I'm still thick in a fug of snot and snivels and aches... It gives the world an odd, fuzzy quality so that I end up feeling not quite in the world. My thinking gets muddy, my dreams seem to lap at the edges of waking, needing me to shake my head or blink in an attempt to find certainty in which world is real.

And I'm not good at being ill! I know, I know, what a ridiculous thing to say - who is good at it?! I swing between feeling shamefully sorry for myself one minute and frustrated with it and determined to ignore it the next - today's bout of ignoring how ill I feel involved a fairly major (for an ill person!) clean and tidy of the house. Needless to say, it left me totally exhausted and feeling far worse this evening than I did yesterday. Foolish woman...

I'm trying to unpick some of these waking dreams and strange thoughts and feelings of the last few days. I've felt a sadness - not a heavy sadness, nor threatening, but a sadness none the less... Perhaps it's just slef-pity at my depleted state... I have regrets, and that, I think is the crux of it. I am not a person who has had regrets - there have been times of horror in my life that I still do not regret, but all of a sudden I have them. Not about horrors or dramatic things - mainly about spending such a long time allowing myself to remain unhappy, when it has been so transformational for me to come here and become happy again. Regrets feel sad, especially after so long without them. I wonder if they go away over time; if one can work at letting go of them and them be gone; or if they just are, despite one's efforts - if they exist despite me and are just something I have to learn to live with...

Nothing seems to soothe today... not honey and lemon, not the big bowl of home-made meatballs and tomato and garlic sauce, not a hot bath, not knitting, not even FBs cuddles... There's an unease in me that I can't quite fathom. I think maybe I have unleashed something in acknowledging that there would be space for a little passion and desire within me - that in noticing that, in letting the thoughts exist outside myself it spirals and grows in ways which, truth be told, I'm not comfortable with! No, there's more to it than that - there was news yesterday that tapped into those feelings - not something that is mine to share here, but suffice to say it seems to have awakened a sleeping dragon in me... But then again, I can trust little in this state where reality and fantasy or dream seem to be so hard to distinguish through my fuggy wee head...

I'm ok. Just processing...