On colds and self-indulgence

The sky is heavy with the weight of wet snow. It began as rain this morning, but I noticed it was falling thicker than water on the windscreen and by 9.30 it was definitely rain no longer, but fat, wet snowflakes. It isn't settling yet, but the air has grown steadily colder all morning, so there's time yet. I have guiltily let the central heating thermostat creep up a couple of notches as we've struggled to feel warm. But the damp seems to find infinate ways into this house and I wonder if we will ever feel truly warm and dry until the seasons move on again!

The world feels grey and heavy and my own vision is clouded and weighted by a cold that has left me not only with sinuses full and sore, but every joint in my body (even the top joints of my fingers!) aching and complaining at even the small movements. FB too has been under the weather and I'd thought maybe he was out the other side - perhaps he is but emotionally he's all over the place. This morning the pair of us met headlong in a horrible combination of both of our sadness and heaviness and less-than-top-form-ness. And I'm sad and I'm sorry that these moments happen, when my energies are depleted and I haven't the resources to meet him as he needs me to. It isn't awful, it isn't some terrible thing, I haven't failed him, but neither have I been enough, and it's a sad old feeling...

And sadness hangs doesn't it?I feel an emptiness today, a space inside that would really like to feel that it contained something... I am very loved but I no longer remember what it is to be desired and sometimes it would be nice to remember what it is to crackle and fizz under another's touch, to know that someone somewhere is anticipating me, to know warmth and softness and hunger and searching... I need not for another, but it doesn't stop me wanting at times!

I'm looking for a place to root myself again as my cold leaves me feeling floaty and ungrounded, I'm trying to catch a hold of that contentment that usually holds me so well, I'm trying hard not to launch into flights of fancy, or to entertain fantasies that can't sustain, trying to find a route back into my body even though it doesn't feel a very welcoming place today!

Oh what a self-indulgent post! Forgive me! Bare with me - I'll be home again in myself very soon, just need to allow myself a little wonder and a little wallow!