Christmas 2008

One of the things I missed during the years in Wales was the big family Christmases of my childhood, and later, after FB was born, the way I felt about family was so absolutely altered, and I longed not just for a big family Christmas, but my big family. Last year was the first year that I came home for Christmas after possibly as mny as 15 years away - I had promised from the beginning that my child's 2nd Christmas was to be with my family. This year, FB's third Christmas (and possibly the first that he will have real, lasting memories of), home is here, our family are here. There's no awful long journey to get here, no dread as the day of leaving approaches, no packing, no upheaval, no tears...

Our Christmas was full and joyful - FB was quietly excited, polite, appreciative and an absolute delight to be with! We both loved hanging out with most of our family (there's only one of my brothers we've not yet seen), eating wonderful food, playing together, chatting together... FB and I had the most magical and gentle Christmas morning together before heading off to my parents for a couple of less quiet and gentle, but no less happy days.

And now it's over for another year and that's ok - the magic we had will carry us through til next time around, and I hope I've sewn the seeds for FB of some childhood Christmas memories for him that are as glorious, magical and filled with Love as my own are.

It's been a strange few weeks - I was unsettled, restless, without ever really understanding why... FB and I prickled and sparked at each other; one minute playfully and the next more spikily (after which I would berate myself and feel ever shittier...). I felt lost - under the stresses of beginning work outside my home; under the feelings of there being not enough room in my head; under sleeping badly; under the expectations of others; under my own confused and confusing feelings - a sudden brief, but powerfully deep longing for a partner/lover the knocked me sideways and sent me spinning into tears at unexpected moments for a few days; under the weight of my desire to mother more children; under my foolish (and thankfully also brief) indulgence in feelings of regret and if only; under the endless rounds of washing, cleaning, cooking, shopping...

And then on Friday I turned 35 and you know all those things began to unravel and look a little less tangled, a little less dense, a little less big... This is a very new thing for me, to feel any sort of anxiety or trepidation about ageing - and I don't feel those things in a conscious way, but I notice what has happened here! Part of it is context - finding myself here more than 10 years since the beginning of my last relationship, and recognising that if you had asked my then 24 year old self where she imagined she'd be at 35, it would be very unlikely to be here! It's been a hard year, full of harsh choices and brave decisions and whole heap of shit to deal with, and I do feel on the cusp of new and exciting things. 35 is fine - I need to remember not to allow myself to get into looking backwards (what I could/should/might have done differently - the point is I didn't, but you know, I could now!) - I am happy to embrace who and what I am now as I emerge from whatever chrysalis it is I've inhabited. The Solstice has passed and I feel already the barely perceptible shift in energy,the miniscule first movements as we turn back towards the light... I turn with the Earth - towards the light, towards the gathering energy, still deep, deep down beneath the soil, the barest little quiver, but rising, rising, and knowing the pace will gather and push us up and out...

Visitors have been abound this weekend and deserve a mention because they brought with them Love and affirmation, inspiration and hawthorn jelly... The love of my boy, my family and my oldest friend and his beautiful partner - all that I needed after my little wobble!

So my little world turns onward, the path a little clearer again, the light a little brighter, my poor wee slow head a little less busy and my heart light and full - loved and loving.

There have been more spectacular evening skies - like a little compensation for the shorter days in this last long march towards the Solstice... There is still ice along the lane; sometimes just a little slick, unnoticeable, to slip on as you walk, sometimes a puddle, shattered like glass, small triangles thrown outward to freeze again in some other spot... The morningtimes are glorious too, but I have to confess that the cold has a tendency to keep me in bed - cuddled up with FB with the blankets pulled up to our ears until we have no choice but to brave the world for pees, clothes, breakfast...

My days spin on through work and domesticity and the huge efforts of concentration it feels like it takes for me to feel even vaguely on top of things. It will get easier, I know, but dear me, it feels like hard work just now! Coming home in the dark and the cold and feeling like sleep but there's a small person to play with, bellies to fill, washing, dishes, cleaning to be done, hot water bottles to fill, stories to read, kisses to be had... I feel there's too little room left for creativity - either for myself or room to come up with exciting things to share with FB. It'll come, it'll come, I have only to catch my stride and settle into a new order.

FB has been poorly - we both have suffered today with the minimal sleep we managed last night until he finally gave up late this afternoon and climbed up onto my knee and allowed his poor, hot little body to relax onto mine and his watery eyes to close. My heart reaches out to him - those flushed cheeks set on a sad, pale face, his lips sore and cracked from licking and rubbing, and his nose chapped from wiping the almost permanent canldes of snot there... His breath rattles in his chest and he snores softly, uncomfortably... My poor boy... And yet it can feel such a joyous treat to have him there, his little body against mine, his hot face pressed against my chest, to be able to watch him sleep, to stroke his head, to just be with him without needing to think, or respond to anything or do or be anything at all - just me holding my boy, being nothing but his mother, nothing but Love... Why would I want anything more?

It's been a funny few days - I've been anticipating again and filling brim-full of anxieties and fears in the process. I realise just how much my confidence about my abilities beyond these walls and my own little family has slipped away over recent years and all of a sudden I found myself about to start a new job with the feeling that I wasn't sure I was capable of it at all! I tried so hard yesterday evening to feel peaceful and calm, but nothing seemed to quell the feeling I had of having made a terrible mistake that was going to let people down dreadfully...

It was, of course, fine. I have a lot to learn - about how not to get wound up into such a state for starters, but also about little things like how to dress for work and still feel like myself, how to organise myself better so that there's quick and easy meals planned for work days, how to get us both up and sorted in the mornings without it feeling like a horrible rush... But it feels good. I'm over the dreadful hurdle of the first day, I'll have a pay packet in December and am earning the money that FB and I need, and it looks like it's going to be an engaging, challenging, interesting and worthwhile job. The world is good.

Beyond that, there are all sorts of thoughts and ideas, and this wonderful landscape to hold them, ground them (and me). Last night we drove home as the sun turned down towards a low bank of heavy black cloud that seemed to add a vast city-scape to the usually level horizon. The higher, paler cloud above was flooded with orange light so that the horizon turned into a sprawling black metropolis engulfed in raging fire... And then a bright sliver of moon hung in the little birch tree at the front of the house - FB called from his bedroom - he'd gone up to look for starts in the gathering dark - 'it's a moon, a moon, a moon!'. So excited! How wonderful this little boy whose face lights up because he's seen the moon hanging outside his window! I tried to photograph it, but it didn't work. I'll put it here anyway beause the sky is such a lovely blue...

I have thoughts I feel I shouldn't have. Or rather, little longings that I should not have entertained because they are not yet attainable... Thoughts about a bigger home, more children, about how a little passion really wouldn't go amiss... Push them away, push them away, all in good time...I love what I have, andit really is enough, and I am not ungrateful... Think of it as ambition... I am still, you see, sitting and waiting in that pumpkin patch!

And snow again, and more forecast - it feels very cold this evening, despite my layers. There were spectacular tales in the office today of how much snow there might be tomorrow (and a contingency plan to work at home for those of us who might not get through) and I can't help but feel a little excited at the thought of lots of snow - it is so beautiful and it does make the world an even more magical place...