Intimacy and Solitude

I've been thinking a lot these last few days about company, intimacy, solitude... Singledom and partnership...

I've been single for over a year now, after 9 years of living in partnership. I like being single - I enjoy my own company, though of course parenting ensures that 'single' never means 'alone'!. I'm utterly contented in the warmest, gentlest kind of way. That's not to say there are never moments when I'm less content - this week has been hard - I've felt ill so much of it and FB's been waking incredibly early and it would have been nice to have someone to share that with, or someone to have a chat with in the evenings... Or sometimes a little intimacy, a little passion wouldn't go amiss... But what I know is that, right now, I'm not willing or ready yet to pay the price that comes for those things - right now, I am enjoying closing that door on the world when I feel like it. I'm enjoying having - always - the whole of a king size bed to myself, I'm enjoying getting up at 5 with FB if I feel like it, or taking him into my bed for quiet cuddles til 7 when I don't feel like getting up, taking responsibility for only FB and my washing, cooking, cleaning...

I'm not ready yet to share any of this, I want it all to myself. I want myself all to myself. And above all, I want FB all to myself! I spent the first 3 years of his life being a single parent with a partner. Now I am a single parent without a partner and oh my, it's wonderful! It's fantastically easier and more joyful - I have no expectations of support or anything else; I have no resentments at jobs not done, help not offered; I don't watch the clock waiting for when I may (or may not) get a pleasantly distracting conversation, some adult input; I am, really, what it says on the tin - single - and it is wonderfully liberating! For me and for FB, who equally does not have to expect attention that doesn't come, or not on his terms, and does not have to watch his mother looking for things that aren't there, or resenting anything - we can each joyfully relax in each other's being, in our own instinctive ways of being and doing, together and independently, needing only to remain in tune with one another and never to bend ourselves to fit a shape that doesn't suit...

And he is easy company - we fall into a gentle pattern of our days, our warm early morning cuddles, chatty breakfasts, playful days filled with laughter and song and chatter and nonsense and seriousness and mess and walks and getting things done, together and apart, quieter evenings, sleepy bath- and storytimes, more snuggles, I love you's, kisses... Truth be told, I realise he is more than enough for me, and I no longer need to feel ashamed of that, or that it must be my guilty secret for fear of hurting anyone else's feelings: FB and I can just be who and what we are, mother and son and enough for each other at this point in time as we make our new way in the world...

And I do know that I perhaps sound like I'm casting aspersions on partnership itself, and I really don't mean to. There is fundamental truth that partnership involves sacrifice and compromise, but in a right moment, between the right people, that might actually be described as joyful sharing and equal commitment. Partnership itself is not some kind of shackle - it's only that my last partnership became one. Sharing a particular love and commitment doesn't have to exclude all others - it's only that I felt it was expected of me this last time... And so I can have moments of jadedness about it, though mostly I have moments of enjoying the freedom of mothering my child in all the unrestricted ways I want to, and spend no time at all thinking about partnership! Sometimes I can long for adult conversation, or to feel the breath of another sing through my body, but those things will come when the time and people are right, when all of us are ready. For now, FB and I are free and alone-together and it's joyous and liberating and fun and more than enough for anyone!