It's been a strange few weeks - I was unsettled, restless, without ever really understanding why... FB and I prickled and sparked at each other; one minute playfully and the next more spikily (after which I would berate myself and feel ever shittier...). I felt lost - under the stresses of beginning work outside my home; under the feelings of there being not enough room in my head; under sleeping badly; under the expectations of others; under my own confused and confusing feelings - a sudden brief, but powerfully deep longing for a partner/lover the knocked me sideways and sent me spinning into tears at unexpected moments for a few days; under the weight of my desire to mother more children; under my foolish (and thankfully also brief) indulgence in feelings of regret and if only; under the endless rounds of washing, cleaning, cooking, shopping...

And then on Friday I turned 35 and you know all those things began to unravel and look a little less tangled, a little less dense, a little less big... This is a very new thing for me, to feel any sort of anxiety or trepidation about ageing - and I don't feel those things in a conscious way, but I notice what has happened here! Part of it is context - finding myself here more than 10 years since the beginning of my last relationship, and recognising that if you had asked my then 24 year old self where she imagined she'd be at 35, it would be very unlikely to be here! It's been a hard year, full of harsh choices and brave decisions and whole heap of shit to deal with, and I do feel on the cusp of new and exciting things. 35 is fine - I need to remember not to allow myself to get into looking backwards (what I could/should/might have done differently - the point is I didn't, but you know, I could now!) - I am happy to embrace who and what I am now as I emerge from whatever chrysalis it is I've inhabited. The Solstice has passed and I feel already the barely perceptible shift in energy,the miniscule first movements as we turn back towards the light... I turn with the Earth - towards the light, towards the gathering energy, still deep, deep down beneath the soil, the barest little quiver, but rising, rising, and knowing the pace will gather and push us up and out...

Visitors have been abound this weekend and deserve a mention because they brought with them Love and affirmation, inspiration and hawthorn jelly... The love of my boy, my family and my oldest friend and his beautiful partner - all that I needed after my little wobble!

So my little world turns onward, the path a little clearer again, the light a little brighter, my poor wee slow head a little less busy and my heart light and full - loved and loving.